


Ghosts, Ghouls, Demons, and Other Assorted Shenanigans

by Skiaeral



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: "ghost hunting", BFU inspired (not a crossover), Cannibalism mention?, Creativitwins, Crofter's Jam, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Being Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Extremely blatant use of Shane's "come kill me demons" trope, Friendly "Kidnapping" (Remus yoinking someone and running away for like two hours), Gen, Human AU, I swear the tags make this sounds a lot worse than it actually is, Intrulogical, M/M, Other, Pre-Romantic (could be read as platonic?) Intrulogical, Prinxiety - Freeform, Remus being Remus, Serial killer mention, Swearing (a LOT of swearing please be warned), Tetanus mention, Vomit Mention, death mention, gore mention, let me know if I missed anything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:09:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25604098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skiaeral/pseuds/Skiaeral
Summary: “Do you think ghosts exist?” Remus asked suddenly, cutting off his train of thought.“Excuse me?”“Well, we’re in a ‘haunted’ place and all,” Remus said, gesturing to the run-down area. “Where a bunch of murderers and thieves and the like suffered and were tortured and kept in captivity- and probably died, if the gallows in the back is anything to go by. So, what do you think about ghosts and ghouls and the like?”Remus, Roman, Logan, Patton, and Virgil go "ghost hunting" in an abandoned prison. Predictably, Remus does something nobody predicted, and Logan ends up having a rather better- if much stranger- night than he expected.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 21
Kudos: 76





	Ghosts, Ghouls, Demons, and Other Assorted Shenanigans

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, this is an entirely self-indulgent fic, and it took so many twists and turns while I was writing it. I had no idea how this was gonna turn out. Since I put a lot of work into it, though, I figured I might as well post it in the hopes that someone who reads this happens to enjoy it!  
> Again, the premise of this was just "what if Buzzfeed Unsolved was with Sanders Sides" and then quickly devolved into "an Intrulogical ghost hunting fic vaguely inspired by BFU" because you can pry Intrulogical from my cold, dead hands.  
> On the topic of intrulogical, a note- this probably can be interpreted as platonic, but it was written to really be read as pre-romantic Intrulogical, (as in I need more smitten Remus content) so consider yourselves informed.  
> Anyway, I'm rambling again, so enjoy and I'll see you at the end!

**_The Four Musketeers_ **

**Prince Roman:** ATTENTION  _ (3:27) _

**Prince Roman:** Virge and I are heading to the abandoned place behind the mall woods to hunt for ghouls and phantoms and wanted to know if anyone else was free to join!  _ (3:28)  _

**_Emo Nightmare_ ** _ created group “guys help” _

**_Emo Nightmare_ ** _ added  _ **_Patton-Cake_ **

**_Emo Nightmare_ ** _ added  _ **_Logan S._ **

**Emo Nightmare:** lo pat  _ (3:34) _

**Emo Nightmare:** i hate asking but i NEED you to help me  _ (3:34) _

**Patton-Cake:** what is it kiddo?  _ (3:36) _

**Emo Nightmare:** you saw the group text princey sent out, right?  _ (3:36) _

**Emo Nightmare:** he wants me to go ‘ghost hunting’ with him tomorrow night and  _ (3:36) _

**Emo Nightmare:** i need you guys to come along as well  _ (3:37) _

**Emo Nightmare:** seriously  _ (3:37) _

**Patton-Cake:** Why ghost hunting? Ro never seemed like he was super into ghosts to me  _ (3:37) _

**Emo Nightmare:** i  _ may  _ have said that one day i’d like to go looking for ghosts  _ (3:38) _

**Emo Nightmare:** in his earshot  _ (3:39) _

**Emo Nightmare:** I WAS JOKING BUT HE TOOK ME SERIOUSLY  _ (3:39) _

**Emo Nightmare:** and i really don’t want to fuck this up and for him to think i’m weird or a coward or that i don’t appreciate it  _ (3:39) _

**Logan S:** Perhaps you could simply decline the offer?  _ (3:40) _

**Emo Nightmare:** I ALREADY SAID YES THOUGH  _ (3:40) _

**Emo Nightmare:** please please come with me so i dont fuck it up or accidentally make a fool out of myself  _ (3:40) _

**Patton-Cake:** hey hey it’s ok kiddo i’m free tomorrow night i can come if you really want me there!!  _ (3:41) _

**Patton-Cake:** just please nothing really bad or illegal or scary??? I know you like spooky stuff but that doesn’t mean its everyone’s speed  _ (3:41) _

**Emo Nightmare:** Lo you too please  _ (3:42) _

**Patton-Cake:** Lolo are you coming too? :D  _ (3:42) _

**Emo Nightmare:** i’ll buy you a ton of crofters  _ (3:43) _

**Emo Nightmare:** pleaaaaase??  _ (3:43) _

**Logan S:** I am nearly certain I am going to regret doing this. What time is it at?  _ (3:44) _

Logan had been correct- he was regretting giving in. Even for Crofters.

They were standing in a damp, muddy clearing in front of the former prison. Virgil and Patton were talking quietly to each other a few paces away, waiting for Roman to arrive, since he was nearly always late. It was a consistent pattern, and Logan could respect that, but that didn’t mean he found it any less annoying.

There was a flash of light through the trees, and Roman’s SUV rounded a corner and pulled up onto the field, kicking up a small amount of mud as it went. Before the car had even stopped, a figure had swung the passenger door open and leaped out.

“Hey! Dork, Emo, Furry!” a voice that was too high pitched and grating to be Roman’s yelled. “You guys are all here to try and bang the ghosts?”

There was a sigh and the sound of a door closing from the other side of the car, and Roman walked out, looking exasperated. “Hello, all. I apologize for my demented garbage can of a twin brother, who decided he would  _ rudely _ tag along  _ uninvited _ .” 

Well. That explained the figure. Logan easily walked the few feet to the cars, Roman’s exasperated expression coming into focus and Remus’s voice increasing in volume. 

“You should have seen him when I popped out from the glovebox! He screamed like a little girl being electrocuted and stabbed through the eyeball at the same time and almost crashed the car into a tree and killed us both!”

“I’m still not sure how you got  _ inside  _ the glovebox,” Roman grumbled under his breath as Remus continued to excitedly chatter at Virgil and Patton, his hands flapping a little bit. Virgil looked apprehensive, while Patton was wearing a tremulous smile. 

“...and then he started yelling at me and I nearly jumped out of the car while it was still moving, but the- Oh, hey dork!” 

Remus turned suddenly towards Logan, grinning even more widely than he had been before. “You’re here for the ghouls too?” 

“I suppose you could phrase it as such. More accurately, I am here to explore an abandoned establishment against my better judgment.” 

Remus opened his mouth- to say who knew what- but Roman cut him off, throwing his arms wide. “Well, let’s not keep the spirits waiting, shall we? Onwards, nerds!”

It had only been five minutes since they had entered the building, but Logan already disliked it. It wasn’t so much that it gave him a ‘bad feeling’ as much as the obvious lewd graffiti spray-painted across every wall and the metal frames of furniture so rusted that even getting close seemed to be just asking for a booster tetanus shot.

Patton seemed to be even more uncomfortable than Logan, although likely for different reasons. The twins seemed at ease, shooting insults and jabs at each other like it was second nature, and Logan could see Virgil blushing and staring at Roman even in the relative dark. He rolled his eyes- he couldn’t really be annoyed with Virgil, but it was still a tiny bit nauseating to watch one of his best friends trail after another like a puppy dog. 

“Well, maybe if you didn’t scare off anyone who approached you, and stopped acting like a disturbed maniac, then-”

“Oh, I scare off people?  _ You _ act like your very piss and sweat is made of nectar and ambrosia, you stereotype of a straight Di-”

“I really hate to interrupt the fascinating conversation you were having there,” Virgil drawled sarcastically, “but we just hit a crossroads.” He gestured in front of the group, where there was, indeed, a wall with a very large and somewhat anatomically incorrect graffitied penis, and two hallways branching off on either side.

“Oooh, what if we split up?!” Remus asked.

“Have you not seen every horror movie ever made? No, we’re not splitting up!”

“Logically speaking, if we split up we will be able to cover the entire place more efficiently, as per the goal, Virgil.”

“See! Pocket Protector agrees with me!”

“Lo, please don’t agree with Remus, he’s bad enough as it is.”

“I agree with Virge, let’s uh...not split up?” 

“But then it’s not any fun to sneak up on you and hear you scream like you’re being tortured!” 

“If you do that I will taze you, regardless of if you’re my brother, you crazed lunatic-”

“You have a taser!?”

“Guys, guys, let’s not fight! We can all-” 

Logan didn’t catch the rest of Patton’s sentence, as Remus snatched him around the waist and threw him over his shoulder (surprisingly gently, Logan noted). 

“LO AND I ARE GOING EXPLORING, FUCKERS!!!” Remus yelled, promptly bolting down the hallway to the left.

Distantly, Logan could hear the shouts of the others, but they were cut off as Remus took a sharp turn down another dilapidated hallway. His… ‘captor’ was much faster than he’d expected- Remus was still carrying him, one hand securing Logan on his shoulder, and yet they were still speeding down the hallways, with no signs of slowing anytime soon. 

“Remus?” There was no response. “ _ Remus!”  _ Logan tapped hard on Remus’s back, which was the only part of him within reach. “ _ REMUS!” _

Remus abruptly screeched to a halt. “You doing okay back there, dork?” 

“Yes, but I would appreciate it if you would release me.” 

“Not yet, Prince Prissy’s gonna catch up in a few minutes, and where’s the fun in that? When you kidnap someone, you have to commit, you know.” 

Logan sighed. He hadn’t really expected Remus to capitulate, but it would have been nice. “Very well. Continue.” 

“Let me know if you’re gonna puke,” was the only comment before Remus began sprinting through the labyrinth of hallways again. 

It took about ten minutes of Remus dashing through the halls for him to finally come to a stop.

“Alright, if they’re able to track us down now, I’ll cut off my own foot and eat it, piece by piece. Or someone’s foot, anyway,” he said. 

“Could you please release me?” Logan asked, his ribs starting to ache from the pressure of being jammed between the weight of his back and Remus’s shoulder.

“Of course, nerd,” Remus said, a grin audible in his voice. He grabbed him under the arms and swung him back down, again, surprisingly gently. 

Logan stumbled as dizziness crashed into him and his vision wavered, presumably from the loss of blood to his head. He must have stumbled or some such thing, because Remus was suddenly holding onto him again, cupping Logan’s elbows with his palms.

“Dork, you good? I said to let me know if you were gonna puke. I mean, mostly as a joke, but...still.” 

“I’m fine. It is most likely just orthostatic hypotension,” Logan said, blinking furiously to clear his vision a little.

“Ortho-what?”

“Head rushes, caused by a drop in blood pressure when moving from a lying or sitting position.” He glanced at Remus, who was still holding his forearms. “You can let go of me now.” 

Remus lurched back, not exactly like he’d been burnt, but somewhere close. Logan thought he saw a flicker of what might have been hurt cross his face. 

And then his manic grin snapped back perfectly into place, throwing an arm around Logan and cheerfully walking them into the next room, and Logan decided that it couldn’t have been.

“Where are we going?”

“Eh, we’re just wandering around until the rest of your boring friends either find you or we stumble across them. This is just killing time.”

“Did you even have an ulterior motive when you decided to abscond with me?” Logan asked, slightly annoyed. 

“Oooh, big words there, Teach.” 

“I’ll take that as a no.” 

Remus huffed and laced his hands behind his head. “Honestly, I just wanted to get away from the whining and pining.” He put on a falsetto. “ _ Ooooh, look at Roman, so dashing and handsome and awesome, I’m so in love with him.”  _ Another voice, deeper this time. “‘ _ Look at me, I’m Roman, the greatest man to ever grace the masses with my very existence.’  _ Et cetera, et cetera. And, well, I knew they wouldn’t make a fuss if I just ran haywire and left on my own, like a headless chicken spurting blood everywhere, so I took you along for the ride.” 

“What do you mean, not make a fuss?”

“I can take care of myself and Ro knows it- I can handle being alone in a prison for a night. Hell, maybe even a few days. And your other buddies aren’t very keen on me- they’re certainly not going to run off after me.” 

Logan hummed in acknowledgment. It seemed normal- at least for Remus- but something just sounded a little off. A tiny bit bitter. 

“Do you think ghosts exist?” Remus asked suddenly, cutting off his train of thought. 

“Excuse me?”

“Well, we’re in a ‘haunted’ place and all,” Remus said, gesturing to the run-down area. “Where a bunch of murderers and thieves and the like suffered and were tortured and kept in captivity- and probably died, if the gallows in the back is anything to go by. So, what do you think about ghosts and ghouls and the like?”

“I do not believe they exist.”

“Really? You don’t think that...ya know, someone gets, like, accidentally crushed by a falling wall and all their bones snap and break under the stress, and their lungs turn into, like a flat-ass pancake and their eyes pop out of their skull...wait, Lo, would their eyes actually pop out of their skull?!” Remus made a popping noise with his lips to punctuate. 

“I admittedly am not particularly well-informed on the subject, but their eyes most likely would not pop out of their skull.” 

“Ugh, boring. Anyway, you don’t think after that they wouldn’t want to scare the everloving shit out of everyone after they get crushed and their eyes  _ maybe _ pop out? I know I’d love it- maybe I’d haunt Roman until he died of fright or he called an exorcist or something.” 

“There is no scientific data to suggest that spirits of the dead actually exist, so, no.” Logan shone his phone’s flashlight over the walls of the dilapidated building. “The historical value to be gained by visiting some of these allegedly “haunted” locations, however, is intriguing.”

“So you don’t count any of the evidence some randos or those reality TV ghost hunting shows catch on tape?”

Logan cast a sideways glance at Remus, who was still wearing his customary grin. “I despise any sort of reality TV with a hatred typically reserved for corrupt politicians, anti-vaxxers, and Freud.” Logan quickly veered into a full-fledged rant, stopping only when he realized they’d stopped walking. Remus was looking at him with an indecipherable expression on his face.

“I apologize, that was not relevant.”

Remus laughed- not the loud, grating laugh Logan had heard before, but more of a soft, clucking laugh, like a chicken. “You’re fine, nerd.” 

The two of them strolled through several more of the rundown rooms, lapsing into a comfortable silence. Remus didn’t seem offended in the slightest when Logan went quiet, seemingly reveling in the crumbling architecture and the still-prominent graffiti. 

Logan’s phone beeped a few times, loud in the stillness. He fished it out of his pocket and opened up the lock screen.

**_The Four Musketeers_ **

**Emo Nightmare:** @Logan S. logan are you hurt? Where are you  _ (11:42) _

**Prince Roman:** Where has my brother taken you?  _ (11:42) _

**Patton-Cake:** Logan are you okay??? _ (11:43) _

Logan rolled his eyes fondly and began typing out a response.

**Logan S.:** I am unharmed. Remus is still accompanying me. I am still in the facility, although I am unsure of exactly where.  _ (11:44) _

The responses came in within seconds.

**Patton-Cake:** I’m glad you’re safe!

**Emo Nightmare:** We’re coming for you, Lo

**Prince Roman:** I second that! We shall come to rescue you from my foul, villainous brother!

**Emo Nightmare:** no need to get dramatic, princey

**Emo Nightmare:** but yeah we’ll find you

**Prince Roman:** I resent that. 

**Prince Roman:** And Logan, if my brother is being untoward to you in any way, I apologize. 

Logan glanced at Remus, who was strolling around the room leisurely, completely at ease.

**Logan S.:** He is not, quite the opposite actually.

**Logan S.:** While I would appreciate it if you would come find us, there is no need for a rush. 

“Hey Nerdy Wolverine, who you texting?” Logan should have known better than to think his companion didn’t notice.

“Our friends, wanting to know where I am.”

Remus snorted. “Of course.” He sprawled back against a rotting window frame casually. “Didja tell them I’m torturing you and to rescue you as soon as possible?”

“I told them to come and find us, but that there’s no need for a rush.” The side of Remus’s mouth ticked up. 

“So, my scheme continues!” 

“I suppose. It will probably be a while before they locate us in a building of this size.” 

“Heh, well, the first time I came in here, I got horribly lost, so I don’t expect them to find us immediately. What do you say we go and actually try to do a bit of ghos-, wait, no, scratch that, we can find demons, we’re going demon hunting ourselves.” Remus said. 

“You’ve been in here be-” Logan was cut off as Remus booped him sharply on the nose. 

“Ah, ah ah! Enough questions, calculator watch. First, we try to get ourselves possessed so we can turn our heads 180 degrees and snap our own necks. Or projectile vomit on cue, that would be cool too. I could soak Roman from head to toe in my vomit again! Can you imagine the look on his prissy-ass face?!” 

“I suppose you could, if demons did exist,” Logan agreed. “However, since they do not, it would likely be necessary to resort to other methods.”

“Such as?” Remus asked eagerly.

“Well, you could use an emetic of some sort, such as rat poison, although I would not recommend it. If you have a gag reflex-”

“I don’t! You can go as  _ deeeeep  _ as you want.”

“...you could also contract a stomach bug purposefully, although it would be riskier, both because each illness may affect individuals differently and because I’m not entirely sure how one could go about it.”

“Mmmmmyeah, looks like the demon is the only way then!” Remus pulled Logan into a side room, looked around and nodded decisively. “Yep, this looks about right for a slippery bitch from Hell to hide in.” 

Logan gave up trying to contradict Remus’s firm belief in demons and the paranormal for the time being. He was right that the room did look sufficiently dressed for the role, however. Graffiti was almost entirely absent from the room, and while the walls still were ramshackle, the room appeared to be solid enough to keep out the elements. 

“Alright, you fucks, any of you demons? If you are, I’m gonna need you to prove it by slicing me open like a hot dog bun and pulling out my entrails!” Remus proclaimed loudly. 

Logan took that in for a few seconds, and then leaned back against the cleanest patch on the wall he could find, smiling slightly. If he knew anything about Remus, this would prove to be quite the show. 

“Come on, you spineless, reprehensible, soul-sucking fucks! Rip my heart out of my chest! Scratch me and scar my face! Appear out of the ether and petrify my eyeballs, you demented sadistic asshats! Tear me into pieces and drag me back to Hell!”

Remus continued in this vein of taunting for a while, gesturing and walking dramatically around the room. When no living shadow of terror appeared and obliged him, he crossed over to Logan and leaned against the wall next to him.

“You certainly were creative with your insults, Remus.” 

“Too bad no horn-boy stepped out of the shadows and actually carried me off.” Despite his words, Remus didn’t appear to be all that disappointed by the lack of demons.

“Horn-boy?” Logan asked.

“They’re usually shown with horns or some shit right?”

Logan hummed in acknowledgment, and there was a beat or two of comfortable silence. 

“So, when do you think the others are even gonna find us?”

“In a building of this scale, I’d estimate it could take up to an hour to sweep every room individually. Why do you ask?” 

“Wanted to know your thoughts. If you really wanna get back to the others, I have a few places where they probably would have gone.”

“How do you know this place so well?”

“Eh, it’s not too far from Ro and I’s old house.” Remus shrugged. “Used to come to this place when I couldn’t think, or when I couldn’t stop thinking. Rebellious teenager phase too, and all that. I’m pretty sure Roman used to come here too, either looking for me or having his own things.” He waved his hands around flippantly. “Anyway, you wander around a place trying to physically scream your thoughts out of your head like a banshee on the reg and you get to know the layout pretty well. I swear the architect who designed this place was high as hell, though- place is like a maze.”

Logan didn’t know if Remus had exactly meant to share that with him, or if it simply slipped out as he rambled, but he didn’t want to bring it up again if Remus hadn’t done it intentionally. “So, could you find them?”

“Eh, probably. Prince Prissy’s loud enough to find using fucking echolocation, and it’s gonna take forever for them to find us anyway- if they don’t just leave us here to rot.” 

Remus bent down, and before Logan knew what was about to happen, he’d been swept up into a bridal carry. He fumbled around with his arms for a few seconds before putting them in his lap- holding onto Remus around the neck felt much too close and awkward, not to mention it was definitely a violation of personal space. Not that Remus really had much of a concept of personal space to begin with, Logan supposed. 

“What are you doing?” he asked

Remus blinked. “Carrying you?”

“I don’t need to be  _ carried,  _ I can just walk alongside you,” Logan pointed out irritably.

“No can do, dork. I abducted you by carrying you, and I’m bringing you back by carrying you. I told that you before- when you kidnap someone, you have to commit! No half-assed ‘walking alongside me’ shtick,” Remus said cheerfully.

“It was hardly a kidnapping, you did not remove me from the premises, nor even attempt to restrain me.”

“Oh, well, if that’s what you really wanted, Logan, you could have just asked. Didn’t think you’d be the kinky type, but whatever gets you off i-”

“I did not mean in a sexual sense, and you know that.” Logan pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “There’s no way I’m getting out of this?”

“Nope! I’m ride-or-die! You get on or I have to kill you!” 

“That’s not what- nevermind, it’s not important. If you insist on carrying me, then could we please not do this ridiculous ‘damsel-in-distress’ pose?” Yes, he was being carried through an abandoned prison by his friend’s brother, who had taken him there against his will and who he knew very little about, but Logan still had a little bit of dignity. 

“Hm- how about piggyback? Or doggy style if you want it that way,” Remus said, and Logan could hear the grin in his voice.

“Piggyback would be...satisfactory.” 

Two minutes later, Logan was on Remus’s back, having forgotten his previous thoughts about holding onto Remus and now clutching around his neck, trying to avoid falling off. His ride didn’t seem bothered in the slightest. 

“You good nerd?!” Remus shouted. Logan had no idea how he’d found the breath for it, at the pace he was still setting  _ with  _ Logan on his back.

“Fine, thank you.” The two of them took a sharp turn, and Logan could just make out voices to his left. That had to be Roman, Patton, and Virgil- it was highly unlikely that there was another group in the prison tonight. 

Remus seemed to think so too- he slowed down by a fraction as they took two more turns and finally stopped suddenly in what appeared to have been a backroom. 

He heard a yelp from a corner- Logan assumed that was Patton- and then three flashlights were shining directly into their faces. 

“Logan!” three voices said at the same time. Logan let go of Remus’s shoulder to give them an awkward wave with one hand.

“You have returned to us at long last! And…” Roman seemed to stall as he noticed Remus. “With...my brother.”

“Why the long faces? Aww, were you hoping I poisoned myself with some of the rotting, maggot-infested food here? Tore my artery open on some of the rusty prison bars and bled out?” Virgil stepped forward, looking distinctly unhappy, and leaned forward, a foot or so from Remus’s face. 

“Don’t you ever pull any shit like that again, got it?” With any other person, Logan knew it would have been intimidating, maybe even frightening- Virgil, for all of his angst and sarcasm, could be scary when he wanted to be- but Remus leaned back and laughed a little bit.

“Don’t get your dick in knots, emo, I didn’t do anything to him,” he said, rolling his eyes and pulling Logan up a little bit onto his back, which was when Logan abruptly noticed that Remus was still  _ very much holding him _ .

“Remus, could you put me down?”

“Sure thing, Teach.”

Logan expected Remus to just drop him and let him find his own way down, but instead, Remus crouched down slowly, still holding him and allowed Logan to climb off. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Roman giving Remus one of their ‘twin looks’- this one looked three parts suspicious and one part questioning. 

Before he could look closer, however, Virgil was tugging at his arm and pulling him a few paces away, towards a corner. 

“Where did he take you?” he hissed at Logan. 

“I’m not sure exactly where, but it was towards the west side of the building, and we wandered around that section before we came back. Why do you ask?”

Virgil narrowed his eyes. “Were you serious when he said that he wasn’t, like, dicking around with you or anything?” 

“Yes…? Virgil, what is going on?”

“I just…” Running a hand through his hair, Virgil sighed. “I don’t want him to pull anything.”

Logan frowned and glanced over to the other side of the room, where Remus was leaning on the wall and toying around with his phone. “Why would Remus, quote, ‘pull anything’?” 

“Because he likes to fuck around with people! You’ve heard about him from Roman, hell, he even could have gotten them into an accident tonight! Sure, we might think it’s just pranks or weird shit now, but who knows what he actually could do?!” 

Logan blinked. Yes, he’d heard Roman complain about his brother numerous times, including some of the things Remus had orchestrated, but he’d never really considered Remus to be  _ dangerous.  _ Mischievous? Yes. Hyper? Yes. Lacking a social filter? Most definitely. But as a threat? No. 

“I give you my word that Remus did not do anything to deliberately upset or harm me, Virgil.” Logan looked his friend in the eye. “I’ll let you know if anything of the sort happens.” 

“Okay,” Virgil said quietly, nodding. “Thanks.” 

Thankfully, after Virgil’s concerned outburst, there were no more awkward questions about Remus or the adventure-slash-friendly kidnapping. Roman seemed to take Logan at his word, and didn’t ask about it in favor of continuing to send his twin odd looks. Patton was most likely chalking it up to ‘Remus being Remus,’ which Logan had to admit was becoming an increasingly common occurrence.

Roman had initially wanted to explore more of the prison, but both Patton and Virgil seemed hesitant, and it was already past midnight. For the first time, Remus didn’t pipe in at all with an opinion, and instead seemed to be wholly focused on avoiding the glances Roman gave him every few minutes as they made their way out of the building. 

When they got outside the doors, Virgil paused for a second. 

“Hey Pat?” 

“Yeah kiddo?” 

“Are you still okay with me going with Roman? Because I can, like swap back, and we can do it another time, but-”

Patton raised his hands slowly, as if trying to soothe a skittish horse. “No, Virge, it’s fine, seriously.” Virgil nodded and smiled a little. “Okay, so you and Logan are going back, and I’ll probably…”

As Virgil and Patton went over the plans for the drive home, Logan felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around, and was face-to-face with Roman.

“Specs, can you do me a favor?”

Logan sighed. “I’m hesitant to even question.” 

“Could you please, please just convince my brother to go home in your car and keep him from terrifying Pat? Pretty please?”

“This is about your ride with Virgil again?” 

“Yes, I- I had something planned for later at the prison, but then Remus had to think with his- ugh, nevermind, just- I want to talk to Virgil in private and it’s not gonna be able to happen if my brother is there making dick jokes the entire ride home so I just-”

Logan held a hand up. “Roman,” he said slowly. “Please tell me this is some sort of plan to put a stop to the absolutely miserable pining the two of you have been doing?”

Roman stared at him for a second. “Both...of us?” 

Logan facepalmed. His friends were entirely useless gays. “ _ Yes, both of you. _ I’ll let your brother know he’ll be going with us, I’d recommend for you to prepare a plan. And you will owe me.” He walked away before Roman could respond in search of Remus. 

Fortunately, he found him relatively quickly, leaning against the trunk of a nearby tree, fiddling away with something on his phone’s screen.

“Remus?” Logan asked.

“Heya, Teach. Need something?”

“Actually, yes. Your brother asked me to...convince you to ride home with me.”

“Oh, you have something in mind?” Remus said, wiggling his eyebrows in a way that looked much more comical than seductive. “Or, you know, do you want me to ride you?” 

Logan really needed to rethink his phrasing. “Patton will be there and there are to be no sexual activities of any kind.”

“I’m fine with a threesome, you know-”

“Yes, but I doubt Patton would be. Or me, for that matter.”

Remus snorted. “Prude. Okay, so why does my boring-ass brother need me to ride with you? What did he say?”

Logan grimaced- this was going to be the hard part. “He wanted to talk to Virgil. I didn’t pry.” That wasn’t exactly true, but there was no way he could see himself telling Remus about that conversation without it going south. “So?”

Remus shrugged. “Sounds fine with me. You know where Ro and I live?”

“Yes, I do, because I’ve had to drag him inside your house while he was incredibly inebriated on multiple occasions.” That had actually been one of Logan’s first encounters with Remus. In hindsight, it had been fairly tame, considering it was 2am and the conversation had been interrupted by Roman passing out on the floor.

“I still don’t get why you insist on bringing him inside, he could just sleep on the doorstep or some shit.” 

“It is the  _ principle  _ of the-” Logan started, but was cut off by another voice.

“Alright! Regroup!” Roman shouted from the cars. “Time to get the hell out of Dodge!” 

Both Logan and Remus began to walk towards the rest of their group, Remus still playing around with something on his phone casually. 

“Okay, so the plan is that Roman and I are going in his car and Logan is taking Patton and Remus?”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

After goodbyes had been said (in varying degrees of enthusiasm- Remus had said a collective ‘see ya, fuckholes’, while Patton had gone around individually, reminding Roman and Virgil to call so he knew they’d gotten home safe), Logan unlocked his car and slid into the driver’s seat.

This was going to be an uncomfortable drive.

“And they would usually leave their victim’s bodies in pieces! Like one dude had his dick chopped off and another woman had her head in a basket. The police never caught the person either, even though they burned down a ton of the hobo’s houses, and...”

“That’s...interesting, Remus,” Patton said uncomfortably, looking at Logan with a ‘please-get-me-out-of here’ expression.

“I know, right? They only ever identified three of the thirteen victims, too, they were so mutilated.”

“Patton, I know we’re nearly there, do I turn left or right?” Logan cut in. He already knew which way to turn, but he clearly needed to slow Remus down.

“Uh, you turn left, and then it’s the brick complex two from the corner.” Following the instructions, Logan pulled up to the side of the building. 

“Wishing you a good night, Patton. Be safe.” 

“You too Lo! See you soon! Call me when you get home!” his friend called back to him from the sidewalk. Logan nodded and watched Patton enter the complex before driving off. 

He and Remus sat in silence for a while. It was strange- while Logan certainly didn’t need to ask for directions to his house, either, he hadn’t expected Remus to go completely silent. His companion was still tapping away at his phone, and while it would be rude to ask about it, Logan couldn’t help but be curious about what had made Remus go quiet for once. 

Finally, Remus put his phone down and straightened up. “As far as I’m concerned, it’s the most interesting thing to ever happen in Ohio.”

“Excuse me?” 

“Eh, nevermind. Did you know that there’s a tree with sap that’s so toxic to humans that even touching rainwater it’s come into contact with can give you blisters?”

“The manchineel tree, correct? Yes,” Logan said, eyes on the road.

“Yeah, that one. Every single part of the thing’s poisonous, even the leaves and sap.”

“I believe Columbus encountered the fruit and referred to it as ‘death apples’.”

“Fuck Columbus!” Remus yelled suddenly.

“Agreed.” Logan pulled up to the twin’s house, which had roses growing on one side of the house and poison ivy on the other side- a compromise, he supposed, between the two. Remus hopped out of the car before it had even stopped moving, similarly to when he’d arrived at the prison.

“Welp, see ya around, Teach. Call me if you need to hide a body,” Remus said casually over his shoulder.

“Have a good night, Remus.”

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, you made it all the way through! Thank you!  
> If you liked it, feel free to leave a kudos.  
> Come yell at me about any typos (or just, y'know, point them out to me.)  
> Bonus points to whoever can tell me which serial killer Remus was referring to in the comments.


End file.
